Iım sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but itıs time you knew the truth: Middleware is dead. The distributed, componentized, "process anywhere" process of computing today has made the concept of middleware obsolete. Why? Because middleware is now everywhere and everything, so pervasive that it has passed into the realm of the nonentity.
In its place we have many subcategories of applications, tools, and processes being born. Several of the articles in this monthıs issue propose classification schemas for middleware, such as transactional, message-oriented, and publish-and-subscribe tools, as well as Web and application servers and communications protocols. But how will this information help you do battle on the streets? Who will teach you the terms you need to survive? I will, of course. Study the following terms and youıll stand your ground in any situation.
A Rose by Any Other Nameware. Software that was acquired and repackaged by another company but never quite recovered.
Belittleware. You graduated at the top of your class. Now youıre the CTO of a multimillion-dollar organization. But no matter how many times you try, you canıt figure out how to make this application work.
Catware. An application that runs in the background on your system. Once or twice a day it will cause sudden surges, speeding system performance by upwards of 200 percent. Otherwise you barely know itıs there.
Delaware. A small state in the eastern United States bordering Maryland, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania.
Dogware. An application you must run at least once a day. It often leaves a nasty deposit of dirty data on your hard drive (associated with PooperScooperware).
Doorstopware. A product that comes with lots of heavy documentation in a solid box.
Egoware. See Hubrisware.
Exodusware. A product created by at least five key people who left one company to form a startup. See Oedipus Rexware.
Fairware. Products you purchase and evaluate even though youıve already decided on a product for your development project ı to appear fair.
Footrestware. Slightly higher and wider than Doorstopware, with a stronger box.
Fossilware. A product within which you can see visible remnants of a previous product that was at one time a great application.
Geraldoware. Products that are completely dwarfed by the personality and often outlandish ideas of their company presidents. See Hubrisware.
Hubrisware. A product that was developed more for its "splash" value than for any specific market need. Even if it sends the company down in flames, youıll still remain convinced that it was a good idea.
Inlaw-ware. Software that sits between you and all useful applications on your system, takes up all available system resources, and rearranges all your files. You canıt run your system without it, but you can barely stand to use your system with it.
Meddleware. Software you donıt particularly want and are convinced you donıt need, but your manager insists you use it anyway.
Oedipus Rexware. Middleware products from a startup whose members founded it with the sole purpose of putting their previous employer out of business. See Exodusware.
Piddleware. An application that was emailed to you by someone with an underdeveloped sense of humor. After an elaborate installation process, you discover that all it does is make Christmas lights blink on your screen.
Retroware. Software that simulates computing environments that were in vogue at least five years ago. Examples include terminal emulation software or DOS within Windows.
Roachware. An application that, no matter how many times you think youıve deleted it from your system, pops up little executables when you least expect them.
Scroogeware. Software you purchase at the end of the fiscal year when you realize you havenıt used up your whole budget. The purchase is made only to ensure that you get the money again next year.
Spiceware. A pretty, GUI-driven application with no true functionality whatsoever. Soon to be Retroware.
Taxware. Similar to a TP monitor, the product sits between users and their bank account servers, determining when and how much money shall be allowed through and siphoning off significant amounts of money into a separate restricted area.
Whereıs Waldoware. Software you know is somewhere on your system but, no matter how many times you try, you canıt find it. Relative of OhWhereOhWhereware.
Whyware. A product that, upon examination, leaves you wondering who would voluntarily devote his or her free time developing it, much less promoting it. See Piddleware.
Zenware. Zero-footprint applications. If they are running on your system but you never see them, are they there?
ZsaZsaware. Middleware that is generally in version 8 or 9 with a strong but dwindling installed base.
You may have noted the absence of one obvious term that stands tall and proud as one of the oldest and most widely used forms of middleware in existence. As such, it deserves special notice. It sits between the user and several different environments, providing a reusable component repository that spans all platforms and languages. You use it to Transfer Uneaten Portions of Potatoes into an Empty Refrigerator ı thatıs right, Tupperware.